Hey guys,
I know that its been
a while since I have been on here, but I have been back in hospital
over my birthday and had several “anniversaries” since. These are
not the good ones, not the ones where you get flowers cards and
presents, but ones that take me back to a place that I do not want to got.
Everyone in the
world, I imagine, has dates that they would rather forget. Ones that
remind them of bad times, but for me they lead me to an all
encompassing depression and I have no energy to fight them. It
doesn't help that the different personalities within me react
differently to them.
Tomorrow is Fathers'
day in the UK, and this is a hugely bad day for me, it was one of his
special days (Along with my birthday and his, plus Christmas) and at
the moment I am really struggling to stay safe. The pain from the
memories of both the SRA and the abuse from my dad is so strong, that
it feels that death is my only option. But I don't want to hurt other
people, and so I struggle on. Holding onto that need not to hurt
other people and prove to everyone beyond reasonable doubt that I am
Evil.
So what do we do?
How do people get through these dates? Answers on a postcard please
(or on the comments)
I am trying to keep
busy, and put things in place. Every year after this time of year I
say to myself that I will be more organised and have things in place,
but it sees every year it creeps up on me. I do have things planned
for today and tomorrow, and hope that it will get me through, as I
hate letting people down, so we will see how successful this is.
I think the fact
that I have started therapy has meant that a lot more has come out in
my mind (and hopefully to my therapist at the right time) and that
has made this year a lot harder than before. But as it is said, no
pain no gain. I just have to trust in the therapy that I am doing
(Which I do) and hope that by this time next year I will be in a lot
better place in order to deal with individual dates that have such a
huge meaning for me.
Life is shit but you
have get up dust yourself down and get on with it!!!
sorry that this
doesn't really have any answers, but I am at a lost at the moment.
Love
Lou xxx
