Eastbouorne Pier

Eastbouorne Pier

Sunday 23 June 2013

On the Emotional side (of my Childhood) trigger - abuse.

One thing that seems to be missed a lot is emotional abuse, by parents, partners, friends, colleagues etc. I think part of the reason for this is there are no bruises, no physical signs of what has happened, but the effect can be just as damaging as any other form of abuse.  Well when I say no physical signs, this can be one of the causes that people to start self harming, or develop an eating disorder.

Bullying is one thing that is emotional abuse. whilst bullying can be physical and while there are various statistics on how much of bullying is physical, the name calling, the ganging up on, even the pretending that the victim doesn't exist has its toll too. I was bullied all the way through school, and although there was a lot of other stuff  going on at home, all the bullying made things worse, and kids are cruel. all I needed was someone to ask why and maybe things could be better.

I have explained in previous posts about the sexual abuse that I suffered as a child, and into adulthood, but not only that I was emotional abused by both my parents, and while I could deal with to some degree (by dissociating) the sexual abuse, the emotional abuse I just couldn't get away from, as it went on all day every day.

According to the university of Illinois counselling centre website (http://www.counselingcenter.illinois.edu/?page_id=168) there are three main types of emotional abuse Aggressing, Denying and Minimizing, and having read about each it seems that all three would happen.

There were so many different parts to the abuse that I am left with not really knowing who I am. About the only time that I felt that I was away from there control was when I left for university at 18, but not long after I graduated the control, minimizing, ignoring came back with vengeance.

My mum would say that the controlling was to support me and help me stay safe. when in reality is was making me more and more unsafe as I felt so trapped. One of the examples of my mums controlling can be seen when I decided before I started uni to change what degree I was applying for from English and History, to History and Sociology. I had changed it for good reason, especially as I had failed my English Lit A level Mock, and felt that I wouldn't get into my first choice university (Bangor). I also at even that point wanted to go into nursing and after seeking advice from the carers advisor at school I decided sociology was a good choice. when my mum found out she went completely mad at me, as if it was her working for the degree for the following three years rather than me, even when I explained why! or the fact that they put parental control on my computer when I was 26 so couldn't go on amazon (when there are a million of shopping sites out there), it wasn't so much the banning of amazon, it was the I've got control over you that got to me.

This is just a couple example in a huge list of them.

I was the scapegoat in everything, it was all my fault, and I would always get the blame, they were the perfect parents, and it was completely unreasonable for me to get angry with them, and if I did end up in an argument with them and walk away to calm me down that was wrong.

For a long time they denyed that there was anything wrong with me, which I think was there denial. after they finally acknoweleged that I struggled but to the rest of the world they denyed that anything was amiss with me. there (well mums really) was so obsessed of how the family was seen by everyone else, that became more important than me and me getting support.

Sorry this all sounds like moaning, and if it was just occasional in a way it would be just be like most family relations, but as this was all the time, and I can only remember 1 time when they actually praised me (when I got my degree results), the rest of the time I was put down, blaimed, controlled.

After I had moved home for 6 months for the second time, I was getting more and more aware of how my parents were treating me was affecting me, and it was making me extremely angry as ust felt trapped. but when I tried explaining it they would put it all back on me and my diagnosis rather than taking resposability themselves.

growing up in this environment, plus with the other abuse that was going on, has had a huge impact on me, I have a huge need to be able to control my environment and has a lot to do with my eating issues, the need to self harm to deal with emotions probably is partly as I was never allowed to show negative emotions and so didn't learn to deal with them, and so on.

While this post has had a lot of explaining what happened to me, what I want to get across is that this does mess up lives, it does affect people and can make them ill!

Friday 7 June 2013

religion, family and me.

hi guys. I have wanted to write this post ever since the subject came up at the survivors group that I go to. I also want to say that I completely feel that everyone should be allowed to believe what they want, and it isn't my intention to reject formal religions for everyone, this is just my view because of my circumstances.

As I have said in past posts that my abuser was not only my dad, but also a vicar, and so I was brought up going to church every week, attending all the events etc, but also if I was out with my dad he would have his dog collar on and people would come up to him because of that. there was a different persona in him, a huge Jackal and Hyde, The people of the church saw him as a good man, someone who was always there to help, and to some extent he was like that at home, but then there was the "cleansing me of my evilness" through the sexual abuse he forced on me for over 20 years. Also, he wasn't the only one who abused me, this isn't something that I have been able to talk about, and its still "hazy" although I have always known it happened. All this of cause has had a huge impact on the way I see formal religion, especially Christianity.

In general I avoid religion of any kind like the plague, it is a huge trigger for me. And I am sure that I am not the only one. it is a huge leap to trying to believe that God is good and loves us, to the pain and suffering that is happening in our lives. When I see certain religions on the street (or at the door) I just want to hide, they seem to think (well the ones I have come across) that they can "cure" me by me just joining in with them and believing me. how can I even entertain this idea when in a way its religion (well his religion) that has got me into the position that I am in. One thing I am certain of is that I don't think that people should impose religion on other people, its a persons right to believe what they like, its one of the basis of the western modern democratic world!

I am not saying that age 5 when it started I immediately turned my back on religion. it was in the house I lived in, more than most I guess because of his job, but I found it difficult even then to make sense of it all. even at 25 I was searching for some kind of family (as mine is one massive dysfunctional one) and church can be one. but I cant say I ever believed wholeheartedly (or really a little bit). I always questioned it, and I never had that trust that you need to have in order to believe in something that you cant see, cant feel. All I ever did was just try to be quiet and join in.

there are certain parts of religion that I find the hardest, and that's around language. I cant love and trust in my own father, so when they call God Father, it feels me with fear, as to me Fathers aren't loving, fathers are pain. Also parts of the church service filled me with complete fear, In the church of England it is common place to share the Peace, going round shaking peoples hands or even hugging, it didn't feel at all safe with me.

When I was out with my dad, people in crisis used to come up to him and ask for help (and not always asking for money), and he would be there like a vicar should. i used to hate it, partly as when i was a teenager I was embarrassed, but also I was clearly often in crisis but he caused it, and to him it was my fault.

I know that in Christianity, God gave man free will, and that this can explain that it isn't "God" plan for him to do this, but its very hard for me to believe this, as one of the things that was repeatedly said to me during it that "God wants me to be good, and not of Evil, and God has told him to do this to make me better".

How can a man of the cloth damage their own daughter so much that I have been in and out of psychiatric hospital for the last 10 years as well hundreds of visits (I have lost count) A&E after hurting myself ? to me this shouldn't marry up to one person. I know that there is good and bad in everyone, but in him this was extreme!!

I don't think that I will ever feel safe with formal religion, it has damaged me too much, but now find my peace in nature around me. one of my favourite things to do at night is go for a walk along the seafront near me, its so calm with the sound of the sea and the lights flickering on the water. There can be something so calming about it.

Picture of Eastbourne Pier.

Sunday 2 June 2013

dates.

Dates are just dates right?
no, special dates within our lives become get ingrained in our brains, everyone's, whether its peoples birthdays, anniversaries, fathers day and so on. but sometimes it not the best thing, and as much as you want to forget the date, its just doesn't happen.

This time of year there are a lot of birthdays (and of cause fathers day) in my family, including mine. as I don't have contact with my family I find these dates hard to deal with.

Society puts connotations' on how we are meant to react to these dates, presents cards etc, but when it hurts so much because they are a reminder of bad memories, you have the added guilt of not falling into societies norms.

I personally find society "holidays" the hardest, and so I am finding the upcoming Father's Day is a trigger for all kind of emotions, and there is no way to avoid this as every shop and every other advert on TV is to remind everyone of this day that they have to celebrate how fantastic their dad is. I feel hurt and anger in the way that they "looked" after me for 28 years, that they just used me to their own good. I don't feel anger much, but seeing all the "best dad in the world" mugs and other ideas for people to get their dads and I just wish I could smash them. why cant they also bring out "worst dad in the world".

I think that part of the reason that I find this time of year so difficult is because my abuse started after my 5th birthday party, and now forever my birthday is associated with physical and mental pain that I endured for so long. why did they have to  make something that is meant to be my day to be such a trigger. I think the emotion that's involved in this for me is making it so hard for me to write this blog. How can anyone think that the best present for a 5 year old is to say "cause your such a big girl now you can do big girl things" and begin the sexual abuse that has blighted my life?

Maybe I am just overreacting? maybe it is easy not to react to special dates, I just haven't found out how to do this. Dates where always so important in my family, and not just the dates but the whole celebration and monetary value of these, you had to get cards and presents, even if you personally didn't have the money. I remember when I was at uni, and as a student had no money, and my mum shouted down the phone at me on mothers day because I hadn't sent anything, even though I took the time to ring her. I personally don't see why anything should be expected, but this means that I feel guilty as each of the dates go past, its ingrained into me through force that that's how you should react. I can guess that my families reaction isn't the reaction of most (or at least I hope so).

I am extremely lucky that I have a special group of friends that are helping me make new memories for my birthday. that I can make it my day again one year soon.